A soft and simple melody flows from the silver strings of your acoustic guitar. You breathe in and out, the microphone amplifying your voice. A sweet song spills from the pink of your lips as they press against the microphone and you start to sing. Wonderful lyrics that you had written late at night in a busted pen on a piece of torn exercise paper are the words you sing, and I am so in love with you.
But those track marks on your arms tell a different story of past betrayal and present loss. A string of your heart I wish I could pull and make everything better again. I doubt you even remember me from our childhood, when you were the cute blond that lived three houses down and still does. I doubt you even remember me when I was your best friend three years ago and how you would help me with my homework. Now you need help.
From teddy bears to night terrors, gummy candy to acid trips, you've been through it all with me. I wish you could remember before high school how wonderful you were. As you sat in the library with your black and white journal, writing songs that I never even read yet.
Seventeen and already your life has been wasted in less than a year. How quick people can change is frightening. Without me you've lost yourself, and I feel that I have lost a part of my life to your heroin. I wish I could be your heroine.
The drug is your mistress and you are its slave. Captivated by it's burning appeal to your frost bitten veins. I wish I could shake you by the shoulders and tell you that you're better than that, but I can't. You're far too gone and I miss you.
Now I stand over the freshly turned soil looking down on a grave of flowers too bright to be there. An engravement in stone that I wish was a mistake, but reality is far too real.
I can feel you here now, with me, and you remember. Your mind is cleared from the addict’s daze you never seemed to come out of and the grave it put you in. The blood is gone, the tears are gone, and your foggy mind is gone. Now when you can remember me it's too late to tell you that I've always loved you.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Thank you guys for pointing out my mistakes! I wrote this in a half of an hour and it's sort of only a first draft for me. I was planning on rewriting it with more added to it to make it clearer.
Thank-you for the corrections, again. : )
This is a very, very powerful...story...if you can call it that.
Nonetheless, I loved reading this. I like the whole "...teddy bears to night terrors, gummy candy to acid trips..." thing. That was really great.
As bkwrm said, you do have some grammatical errors, but those were stated, so I won't repeat them.
Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi newbie!
Nice to meet you! This is a really good piece of work, but you've made one or two mistakes - but hey! So do we all! So I'm here to corect you and - if you ever decide to read my stuff - you can feel free to rip my writing to shreds in revenge for my criticism of your beautiful piece!
So, here goes -
I agree with Stella that you should change this second microphone. Her suggestion of black mesh is a good one.
Just say 'Wonderful lyrics that you wrote' - it flows better.
A string of your heart that I wish I could pull to make everything better again.
I love this bit. It's one of those lines that would sound so great if read aloud!
I wish that you could remember (the days/times?) before high school - how wonderful you were.
The usual expression is 'too far gone' not 'far too gone'
'Your mind is cleared from the addict’s daze that you never seemed to come out of'
This has the potential to be a powerful line but there's something missing. Try fiddling around with different ways of punctuating it to get the right effect.
Other than that - wow.
Keep on writing,
Bkwrm
Hello, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella.
)
Um, the general idea is to leave 2 reviews before your first piece (no, I'm not a mod, but I just thought I'd tell you that...
Okay, onto the piece. Overall, I really liked it, it was very personal, not overly emotional, and sad (in a good way)... I just have a couple of things to say:
-the word "acoustic" in your first line put me off. It was just too infodumpy. Delete it, perhaps?
-you also repeat the word microphone, which bugs me. Maybe you could change the second one to "the black mesh" or something? I don't know, but it didn't really work saying it twice...
-I couldn't really understand if she was talking about two different events, or if she's remembering her last sight of him alive at the funeral. Could you perhaps make it clearer?
Other than that, I really enjoyed this, I hope you stick around and write some more!
PM me if you feel the need to!
Sorry, I'm new. I didn't realize that I could do that. I'll fix it.
Could you please make the font something other than courier?
Prokaryote